“We ministers feel like we must be everything to everyone. That is often the nature of this calling. It’s part of what makes ministry special. It is what makes ministry dangerous.”

That is how Center for Congregational Health President Bill Wilson describes a pastor’s role based on his own experience and 33 years of local church staff ministry. Everything to everyone? We all know that is impossible. So how can pastors and their families live well in the glass house of ministry? There must be ways to set healthy boundaries and manage impossible expectations. To find out how it can be done, I went to a few pastors, pastor’s children and pastor’s spouses who are succeeding in those roles.

Their churches and stages of life are different, but the themes are much the same: coming to terms with countless congregational expectations while striving to live authentically and care for themselves and their families.

Unwritten expectations

Jon Roebuck, 50-year-old senior pastor of Woodmont Baptist in Nashville, TN, teaches a college class, titled “Dynamics of the Local Church.” Jon says not all expectations are in the job description; pastors need to discover the unwritten expectations and how important they are to job success. He has found that most churches’ expectations of pastors overlap little with pastors’ expectations.

In his first year at Woodmont, which has a congregation of 1350, Jon says he tried to “let the machinery of ministry” guide him, asking himself, “Does the church expect me and my family to be at this event?” The next year, he made adjustments. Periodically, he asks the personnel committee for their expectations of him and he tells them what he thinks are the valuable things that he does. Communication of expectations on both sides is important.

Jon is clear with the congregation about two of his expectations for himself: “that I will always be prepared when I come to the pulpit and that I will love the people for who they are.” This gives him the freedom to admit that he does not have all the answers - in short, to admit that he cannot be everything to everyone.

Jon, like the other ministers with whom I spoke, guards his time off. Early on, someone gave him this wisdom: “If you don’t plan your free time, someone else will.” The conviction that he is of greater worth to the church when he is refreshed from time away helps him to set boundaries.

Jon seeks to model an authentic faith for his children. A pastor’s child, himself, he remembers that his parents never expected him to behave a certain way because of his father’s calling.

Alan Sherouse, of Metro Baptist in Manhattan, NY, is another pastor’s child turned pastor. Alan recalls only one way in which expectations based on his being a pastor’s child frustrated him. At age 11 or 12, he was confounded by his parents’ notion that if his sports team chose to practice on Wednesday nights he would not be able to participate; he would have to be at church. He hopes he will not expect his own children to be at church every time the doors open.

Identity outside the church

On the other hand, he says, his father made time for Alan’s ballgames, family suppers, regular vacations, and many hobbies. Alan says his father’s "ego needs and sense of self are established in large part somewhere other than the church, which makes him a stronger pastor.”

Alan’s parents never discussed church politics or conflict in front of their children. His advice for the children of clergy: “Be who you are but don't be afraid to see the work and passions of your parent as part of that.”

Mary Oliver is a pastor’s daughter and a pastor’s wife. Husband, Mike, is senior pastor of First Baptist of Williams, Alabama, a rural church with 300 in worship. As a pastor’s child, Mary felt little pressure, for which she credits her mother, who went to college and earned two graduate degrees after her children were born. Mary says her mother was accountable to God, rather than the expectations of anyone in the church.

Partnership between spouses

Mary’s identity includes being a high school teacher and mother of four as well as a pastor’s wife. However, she is quick to point out that she sees her role at the church as a calling. “It is important that I see what Mike and I do as a partnership.” They emphasize the need to take care of each other.

Mike recognizes his own sense of call. “I believe that Jesus called me to this work. If I focus there, it helps to clarify how I use my time, lead and set boundaries.” He encourages others to revisit their sense of call and to be forgiving of themselves. “Churches need to understand,” he says, “that they have called a fallible human being as their pastor.” He tries to be the same in the pulpit, at church and at ballgames.

Despite the Olivers’ deep involvement with their congregation, Mike admits that it is sometimes it is hard to be a friend and a pastor. “I deal with people’s intimate spiritual lives,” he says, “and that can create some times of loneliness.” Mike and Mary know the importance of getting away for conferences and spiritual growth, and spending time with another pastor and his wife – close friends who understand the Olivers’ lives.

Another couple expressed similar sentiments. Jessica and Chris Fillingham live in Liberty, MO, a suburb of Kansas City. He is pastor of South Liberty Baptist, which has 50 in worship. Chris is 31, Jessica is 28 and they have two small children. The Fillinghams knew there was a two for one expectation when the church hired Chris. They were willing to say yes to that, but admit that it helps when the congregation recognizes that and is appreciative.

Chris says his identity is not wrapped up in the identity of his church. He seeks to live authentically amid the various expectations for him and Jessica. “It’s hard work,” he says. “I must be intentional about knowing myself and defining what is important.” He tells his congregation from the pulpit what they can expect of him. Says Jessica: “I have to remind myself that I am not perfect and I cannot live up to everyone’s expectations.”

Soul care

Chris and Jessica realize the importance of getting away – of taking time for soul care. Chris has found a spiritual director and both have occasionally attended a Taize service at another church on Saturday nights. Chris says, “We can show up and just sit and be. We are not in charge.” Chris’s advice for those in ministry: Be willing to say no, let others play a leadership role in the church, and get personal help when you need it - be it a spiritual director, therapist or medication.

Pastors and their families can live in a glass house without cracking. These people all love the church and are seeking to serve God and others. They recognize the challenges of ministry, the impossibility of meeting all expectations – their own as well as other people’s - and the need for boundaries..

Molly Lineberger is editor and writer for the Center for Congregational Health (healthychurch.org) in Winston-Salem, N.C.