What is the difference between being nice and being kind when it comes to your congregational leadership style?  We can all look up the standard Webster’s definitions, but really, how does this play out in your congregational community and among your staff?

I had a staff minister tell me recently that he felt like a colleague of his was sabotaging his work.  When I asked, “So, have you told him this?”  The answer was “No, I don’t want to hurt his feelings.  I don’t think he means to do this, maybe I’m just being too nice.”

I’m not really sure who we are protecting when we decide to withhold the truth and cover it over with “nice”.  Most often, when we choose another person’s feelings over our own honest feelings, we end up acting out our honest feelings anyway, but with much less clarity.  Back in my days in Clinical Pastoral Education, I put these two words together and I still go back to them today:  compassionate confrontation.   When we care about someone, when we want the best for them, when our intentions are kind and good, we can decide to share what we see and experience from a place of gratitude and love.  The people you work with deserve your honesty and gratitude.  One without the other doesn’t carry the same weight and your integrity is connected to being able to do both.  Don’t let your fear keep you from trying this out!  None of us is perfectly balanced, we all make mistakes, and we all have the gift of grace.  And who knows, if you start your conversations with the intentions of being grateful and kind, you just might receive that in return. 

March 31, 2010           Melissa Clodfelter