I have worked with a lot of congregations over the last twenty years who were in conflict. Congregation members fight about any number of things ranging from their pastor, to budgets, to the location of a Sunday School room. Regardless of the conflict’s source or its importance in the larger scheme of personal or corporate life, people can get highly invested in positions and outcomes. When this happens, conflict can easily move beyond a problem that needs to be solved or a disagreement about how to solve the problem to a contest that needs to be won. When a conflict moves into the contest level then winners and losers are often created—often on purpose.

Though a win-lose resolution may produce an immediate reduction in tension, it  is often not permanent. In my experience as a conflict consultant, losers have long memories. After losing a fight, those who failed to prevail may leave the faith community (at least temporarily) or they may just fade silently into the background to lick their wounds. That silence should not be mistake for healthy resolution of the conflict. It may have simply sent it underground where it does not necessarily fade away and disappear. The embers of anger and resentment may in fact glow stronger over time and at an unsuspecting moment in the future, erupt into a new firestorm of conflict the congregation has to suffer through.

There are several contributors to this unfortunate scenario in congregational life. The first and most destructive is simply our anxiety about conflict. Most people don’t like it and seek to avoid it. This is often counterproductive when there are substantive differences that need to be resolved. Avoiding a difficult or uncomfortable conversation won’t resolve the issue. In many cases it will actually make things worse because people will begin feeling frustration about the unresolved tension along with their anxiety.

A second contributor is the dearth of tools and approaches most faith communities have for resolving differences. The easiest way to create winners and losers is to identify a conflict and then invite everyone to vote one way or the other. This is perhaps the most common approach for congregations that do try to resolve a conflict and is guaranteed to create losers with long memories. Taking a vote can sometimes be a helpful way to resolve an issue if an issue isn’t too polarized. If it is, then there are several other more productive ways to resolve differences including collaborative problem-solving, consensus-building approaches, negotiation, and yes, even creating compromise solutions.

A third critical contributor to poorly managed conflict processes is simply our impatience. Since most of us are uncomfortable with conflict anyway, when we do encounter it we want to move past it as soon as possible. This leads to rushed processes, poor communication, and little time for constructive discussion and exploration of the issues. Impatience drives groups to “call the question,” end discussion prematurely, and move quickly to a deciding vote in the vein hope that this will end the conflict and create a final resolution.

There are many other helpful approaches to responding to conflict. I believe Jesus modeled many of them in his encounters with individuals and groups. Though scripture is rarely consulted during congregational conflict (except as evidentiary support for a position), it is actually a rich resource for leaders. I’ll say more about this in a later article.

Resolving conflict doesn’t always have to create winners and losers. In First Corinthians 1:10 Paul encourages that conflict-ridden congregation with these words: “I appeal to you, brothers and sisters, in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, that all of you agree with one another in what you say and that there be no divisions among you, but that you be perfectly united in mind and thought.” Achieving this goal will require us to manage our own anxiety as leaders, have patience with one another, and call upon multiple methodologies and resources to resolve our differences.

For those who choose not to do this, just remember, losers have long memories.